Finding or preserving love during COVID has been challenging for many. But even before, you may have struggled with finding, holding or maintaining deep, safe and long-lasting love in your life. The reason isn’t that you’ve been jinxed, the lovers you’ve attracted have been selfish and insensitive, or your partner no longer cares the way he or she did.
The reason is that your brain has been mis-programmed, according to the vast research done by my guest on this upcoming episode of Empowerment Radio relationship counselor Dr. Gary D. Salyer, Ph.D. in his breakthrough new book, Safe to Love Again: How to Release the Pain of Past Relationships and Create the Love You Deserve.
Here is an excerpt of Gary’s book on the importance of asking your partner the right questions:
“Being in a relationship is more than a skill set. It’s actually an emergent mentality and consciousness that runs between you. However, there’s a skill set that helps create a positive, well-bonded We. The first big skill is to build up what Dr. John Gottman calls detailed love maps. An attuned response is based on having a mental catalog of your beloved’s needs, preferences, and deepest desires. This means you must observe your partner with empathy and understanding. More to the point, you must step into their inner experience in a deep way. Offering an attuned response is more than just noticing that your partner loves a Venti-sized, skinny Caramel Macchiato with coconut milk and two extra pumps of espresso at Starbucks. It’s about understanding them at a very deep level. You need to know what’s important for your partner’s inner reality. Who are their friends? Why do they value those friends? Are there any important events coming up? What are their current hopes, dreams, fears, and worries? Do you understand how their childhood or past relationships shaped them? You get the point.
“The key tool here is to ask a lot of open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple Yes or No. When you ask these sorts of questions, listen with all of your interest, power, and ability. Ask for clarity on what their keywords mean. Imagine they say something like, “I had a disappointing freshman year in college.” That’s when you ask, “What do you mean by disappointing?” When you ask about the meaning of a keyword it tells them you’re interested and curious. That does wonders for making them feel worthy.
“Another important thing to note is do you know how they create their experience? Do they tend to run toward their dreams or away from their pain? What motivates them? Do they experience safety by running their cherished procedures and routines, or do they feel most secure when there are options on the board? Do they want it all spelled out, or do they simply want the bottom line and bullet points? When they want something, do they tend to be proactive, or do they wait until they must respond to a situation?
“When you understand not only what your beloved is experiencing but also notice how they create their experience, that’s the day you create deeper intimacy with each other.
“If you’re single, dating is about setting up the parameters of a worthy relationship. That means noticing how well your date engages you with a great skill set. Observe how the people you date step into attuned resonance and empathy with you. Do they develop detailed love maps about you? How well do they make you feel worthy and nourished? Do they naturally practice a secure skill If they’re a bit lacking, are they willing to work on a new skill set?”
Join Gary and I this Thursday, February 18th at 9AM PT / 12PM ET and learn practical ways to make your current or future relationship most fulfilling.