It is so much easier to just be who I am

I asked my husband what he sees as the biggest change since working with Dr. Friedemann Schaub. His response was quick and easy: “You are back in control of your life, it isn’t controlling you.” This is close to true. It was actually in letting go of my need to control that things came back into perspective.

After a series of unfortunate events (job loss, marriage problems, family problems, health problems) I was finally forced to admit that I needed to change. I just had my first daughter and saw what an innocent, loving soul she is, and realized in that moment that at some point I too was that loveable. What could happen in my daughter’s life that would no longer make her deserving of my love? NOTHING.  There was a glimmer of recognition in that moment that I too must still be loveable.

The outside of me looks much different since beginning my work with Dr. Friedemann Schaub. I have lost 50 lbs. I smile more. I can wear grey tops now because I no longer sweat at every social interaction. At first, people asked if something was wrong. I no longer felt the need to be the entertainer during parties and have remembered how to just be myself. Then a funny thing happened. The more quiet I was, the more people were drawn to me. People don’t have to ask if everything is OK anymore. They are getting used to what they see as the new me, and who I see as the old me. I am able to be honest and not always give a canned answer. I can speak the truth. My friendships have become richer and more plentiful. My family dynamic has taken a turn for the better. Being my genuine self is much easier and less draining than being whom I thought I was supposed to be. It is so much easier to just be who I actually am.

My hopes in working with Dr. Friedemann Schaub were to be able to function through my depression and anxiety. I wanted to stop having piles of mail just shoved into paper bags and thrown in the back room when guests were coming. I wanted to be able to get out of bed in the morning and face life without needing to schedule something to ensure that I would shower that day. I wanted to care about eating before I became so hungry I was cranky. I wanted to have a voice mailbox that was not full. I wanted to not be afraid to answer the phone when I didn’t recognize the number.

I hadn’t even dreamed that I could actually not be depressed or anxious. I didn’t dare hope to actually love myself. These are the things I really wanted in the deepest recesses of my heart. I have them. My hopes were surpassed. My dreams are becoming reality. I used to feel alone in my sorrow and pain. There is not a moment in life that I feel alone anymore. I always have me. That is enough.

Once you know something you can’t un-know it. Sometimes we forget. But now I remember. I remember seeing the world through child’s eyes full of hope and wonder. I see the world this way again, but with added wisdom through my years of life experience. I remember feeling safe as a small child when I was visiting my grandparents. I feel safe now in my own home with my own family. The changes that others see only scratch the surface of the real changes. I am back to me.

I feel empowered in the decisions I make in my life. I do not “have control” as my husband would see it. I am empowered. Empowered enough to go ahead and let him realize I’m not actually in control and that is totally OK. My life is mine again and I am so grateful to have it back!