5 Ways to Boost Your Confidence | GR09

Having self-confidence is the belief in our intrinsic worthiness and the trust in ourselves and our abilities to do the things we want to do. Yet, when we lack confidence, we tend to put much of our focus on doing the opposite.

Today, on Get Real Dr Friedemann is talking about the lack of confidence that many of us feel and shares 5 tips to help us build up our self-esteem.

Dr Friedemann’s Takeaways

Greater Sense Of Self Worth (4:04)

What Are The Assets That They Appreciate? (11:35)

Appreciate And Acknowledge The Little Things (14:13)

Stop Undermining Your Confidence (17:01)

Protective Mechanism Of Your Subconscious. (21:01)

Connect with Dr Friedemann

👉 Read more about burnout and its symptoms on my blog: 

👉 Get 10 Days of Free Empowerment Tools: https://drfriedemann.com/free-tools/

👉 Want to be coached 1 on 1 with me? https://drfriedemann.com/breakthrough-program

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LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drfriedemannschaub/ 

Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD, is the award-winning author of The Fear + Anxiety Solution. Dr. Schaub has helped thousands of people with his Personal Breakthrough and Empowerment program to overcome their fear and anxiety by addressing the deeper, subconscious root causes of these emotional challenges.

Are you looking for more from Dr Friedemann? Check out his “Your Accelerated Breakthrough Program” https://drfriedemann.com/breakthrough-program/.

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Transcript
Unknown:

Hi, good real community. How are y'all doing?

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Well, as you may tell, I'm sweating because we have summer,

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and we have about 100 degrees. And in the southern part of

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France, a lot of houses don't have air condition. So I am a

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little hot. But that's fitting very well with gadreel. Because

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we are asking the hard questions here the questions that most

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people don't want to tackle, or we ourselves just don't find

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answers for. So we are trying to push them aside. And the one

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question I want to ask you today is, on a level of on a scale

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from one to 10, how high would you estimate your confidence

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level is, so if you're coming up with anything below five, and

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even if you are five or six, stay tuned, because I want to

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share with you today, five very effective ways on how to build a

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solid foundation of confidence. Because confidence is about this

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intrinsic worthiness. It's the trust in yourself and your

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abilities. And being confident doesn't mean that you believe

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you are, you know, invincible, and you can do anything and

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everything. You have realistic expectations. But when you're

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confident, you are not really giving up on reaching a goal

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just because you have a senate back, because you know, you have

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a natural ability to learn from those things that didn't work

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out and to grow beyond them. When you have confidence and

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self esteem, you're not looking down on people and think that

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you're better than them. And you're not comparing yourself

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with them. You just know that who you are, is good enough. Who

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you are matters. And who you are you believe in, you can create a

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life of joy, purpose and fulfillment. Does that sound

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like something you would want to build? But why don't we have

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confidence, right? I mean, I was struggling with insecurity for a

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long time. And I often was wondering, when we are coming

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out of the womb, pretty much helpless. And then very quickly,

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we are learning how to make ourselves hurt, learning how to

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nurse to turn around to crawl to even walk and then talk. I mean,

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shouldn't we have a really strong sense of confidence

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because we have accomplished so many life's milestones in such a

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short amount of time. So in general, I would say everything

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we are doing naturally as we are growing up should boost our self

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esteem. But it doesn't, because there is something else

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happening that gets actually in the way of it. And those are the

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messages that we are receiving from the people around us. So I,

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for example, was told, you know, you're nice, you're good, but

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don't feel too good about yourself. Because if you do you

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see, you're going to be seen as arrogant. And no one likes

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arrogant people. All right, so that scared me. I didn't want to

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not be liked. So I definitely toned down my confidence and,

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and look more at the things I'm not so great at. But you may

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have not heard those messages. But you certainly were

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criticized for whatever, being too lazy or eating too much, or

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wanting too much, or being too loud, or

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whatever those things are. So this constant criticism

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judgment, which may be well meant by our teachers, and

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parents and siblings and peers, it certainly doesn't build our

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confidence. It's almost like As humans, we are more used to find

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faults with this, you know, quest of making ourselves and

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others better than we are really lifting ourselves up. And I

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think that is one of the things that we unfortunately then

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internalize, and we carry with us through our teenage times

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into our adulthood. And then we have these bad habits of

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comparing ourselves with others, always looking at the things

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that didn't work out that we are not so good at always trying to

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improve ourselves, not because we love it, but because we are

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feeling like we are lacking or we are flawed, are we lagging

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behind. All of those things don't really build a solid sense

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of confidence. And if you don't have confidence, you know how

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that feels. You're feeling like having weak muscles going

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through life wanting to climb a mountain but somehow you don't

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feel that you're strong enough to get there. When you have no

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confidence, you're constantly doubting yourself have a hard

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time making decisions don't want to speak up, or you're feeling

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like well, I just do what other people tell me to do and trying

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to please others fit in. But I don't want to really be seen for

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who I am, I don't want to make a mark or speak up. Now,

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unfortunately, not a lot of confidence means also not a lot

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of authentic living, it means not really creating a life that

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is in alignment with your purpose, and also means not

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really leaving your mark in this world. So there's a lot at

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stake. And I think confidence is something that is not super hard

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to build, because let's face it, as I said, there are so many

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reasons to feel good about yourself. But again, we have to

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learn how to do it. And from me, at least, I never was taught,

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hey, son, this is how you build confidence. So I had to somehow

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learn it by myself, learn from the masters, and try to see

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which of those methods can really help me the most. So

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let's get started. Well, number one thing that I really would

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like you to do, to get a greater sense of self worth, is taking

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an inventory. What I mean with that is that you are taking a

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piece of paper, and you're going to write down 10 of your

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accomplishments in life. Now an accomplishment is getting your

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high school diploma, and accomplishment is to get married

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or have a child or get a driver's license or have a job

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since a certain amount of time, or, you know, exploring on

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backpack, the back roads of Europe or whatever those things

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are. an accomplishment doesn't have to be finding the cure for

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cancer or creating world peace. None of us probably has the

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Nobel Prize, but we all have had goals that we wanted to reach.

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And once we reach them, that counts as an accomplishment. So

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write those things down. And then underneath that write down

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10 obstacles that you overcame. Now, an obstacle can be like,

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you know, I was dealing with an illness, or with a breakup, or

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my parents were getting a divorce or always fighting, or I

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had a dog that I really loved so much. And that boarding thing

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got ran over by a car. And it was really hard for me to deal

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with, write down the tough times the things where you really felt

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like, okay, I don't know how to overcome that hurdle, or I need

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to somehow find something inside of me to be able to, yeah, go

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beyond that, or heal that. So write down those 10 obstacles.

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And then you're going to write down 10 changes that you have

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made in your life. And changes are, for example,

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moving out of your parents, or a change could be a change of

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career, or change could be a change of diet, or what you

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choose to, hey, I want to, you know, lose 20 pounds and run a

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half marathon so that I get really, you know, in good shape,

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whatever those things are looking for, again, goals that

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are can be milestones, it can be desires to self improve. It can

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be things where you felt like, you know what, I want to expand

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more, you know, the relationship, the town I'm

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living in, you know, the profession, and having all of

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those things are not really satisfying me, I want to make a

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change. So you're gonna write those 10 changes down as well.

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Once you have these 30 different items, you're going to write

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down next to it, at least two of those inner qualities that

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allowed you to have the accomplishments, overcome the

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obstacles, make the changes, and always try to find new ones.

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Because in the end, wouldn't it be great if you would find 60

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different in need qualities, strengths that you have, that

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you could build further accomplishments and overcome

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further obstacles with. So for example, this can be tenacity.

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It can be ambition, it can be intelligence, it can be that

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you're, you know, really finding that you have a lot of

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creativity that you're a good communicator or connector can be

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passion. It can be fun, and you just name it. Go back. Think

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about how it felt when you were doing this. You were doing and

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realize, yeah, this was not something necessarily someone

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helped me. And I didn't do anything I was just carried

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across the finish line, this is really something I did. And this

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is what I internally had, that allowed me to do this. Because

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we often define ourselves by these external things are

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saying, Yeah, I have a doctorate, I guess I have, you

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know, made to, you know, six figures. And, but in the end, we

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know, this is only fleeting, you have it. And that's that, it

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doesn't really define you. But what defines you, and what can

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give you confidence is how you did it, and what inside of you

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allow you to do this. And it's like an artist, if you're an

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artist, and you do a beautiful piece? Well, that piece may

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really be meaningful to you. But in the end, it's your talent,

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it's your creativity, your artistry, that what defines you

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as an artist, and all those things are the inventory

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inventory that you're doing, define you in regards to who you

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are and what you're capable of. And that's going to boost your

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confidence. All right, cool. Number two, another confidence

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building tool is the tough one. A lot of people feel like, Oh, I

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don't want to do that. Do it. It's really fun. And you will be

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surprised about the answers. Ask three people in your life, what

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they see in you, as you know, valuable things that they love,

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or why they believe in you. What are the assets that they

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appreciate? What What do they feel like is unique about you?

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Doesn't matter how you want to phrase it, you're not fishing

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for compliments? You can say, Well, you know, I listen to this

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podcast, and it was all about confidence. And hey, you know,

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we can all use more of it. So I wanted to ask you because we

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have often blinders on. As I mentioned before, we don't see

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ourselves exactly who we are. Because through all these

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external inputs and programs, we have these filters that don't

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necessarily, you know, allow us to have, you know, a good

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understanding of who we are, you know, how people can suffer from

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body dysmorphia. I think a lot of people suffer from self

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esteem dysmorphia, or from self awareness dysmorphia, because we

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are looking at ourselves and seeing, you know, a mediocre

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person or a loser, and not really someone who is, you know,

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seen by others as such an amazing friend, or such a

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positive force in the community, or someone who is always really

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so good in listening or always helpful, or just, you know,

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oozes out a calmness that makes everything somehow seem easier

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to tackle. Maybe you have those qualities, and you are not

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really aware of them.

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So ask three people that you feel will not lie to you. But

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you also feel like yeah, they pretty much know me. So it's

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gonna be really interesting to see what they're saying. And I

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tell you, I asked my clients often to do this. And when they

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read, what they you know, what the friends are sending them as

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emails, that brings them to tears, it really touches them so

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deeply, because it really makes them feel like wow, I always

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felt maybe this is who I am. But now as someone actually confirms

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this for me, and it's a wonderful exercise, so

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definitely do that. Number three, number three is where you

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every day want to appreciate and acknowledge the little things

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that you're doing. A lot of people are, you know, doing

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great in life, they are making a contribution, they are showing

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up on time, they're always reliable, they never really say

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like, you know, that's too much. He always tried to find a way to

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help or to, you know, reach whatever responsibility they

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have and the goals that are, you know, set for them or the

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setting themselves. So, most of us may exactly do that. We are

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showing up, we are doing a great job. And we are not getting

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ourselves any reward for it. We just take it for granted. I

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mean, one of the sentences that I often hear and it's really

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hard for me to hear is when people say well, isn't that what

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everybody is doing? No, it's not. You are doing this in your

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own unique way and you are showing up with your own unique

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set. Have contributions, you just have to pay attention to

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them. Maybe you're the nicest driver out there. And even

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though everybody's honking the horn, because you let people in,

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or you let someone cross the street, and because you are

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really, you know, cautious and also consider it. You don't let

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yourself be perturbed by this you keep on being a very mindful

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and generous driver. Do you ever acknowledge yourself for that?

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Now? Do you ever acknowledge that, you know, outside of the

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office building, there is a plant and maybe you see it's

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hot, and no one gives it water? So you take your water bottle

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and give it some water, these little random acts of kindness?

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Do you acknowledge us? Maybe not. So do that, every day,

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write down two or three things that you feel like, wow, I am

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actually a good person, I'm actually a capable person, I'm

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actually someone who has somehow a way to always, you know, get

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what he or she wants. I'm someone who always finds a

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solution, I just do a little research. And there it is. I'm

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really someone people come to, and want to talk to when they

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have an issue because they trust me. Take also this daily note of

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the things that show who you are, and take those as little

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stones that are a part of that foundation of your confidence.

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It's really fun, it's a little bit like a treasure hunt. And

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ultimately, the treasure that you find is you. Number four, is

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that you want to stop undermining your confidence. So

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that is you know where it started today, it's really

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important that you take a self criticism, self bashing fast,

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stop putting yourself down, I can soon have a show and body

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confidence, because so many people are just in the morning

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already, when they look in the mirror, I am making a grimace

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feeling like I don't want to even see that. That's horrible.

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That's it, that's all who that's not a good start of the day. So

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just make a commitment for the next month. To not one negative

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to not say one negative thing about yourself, you don't have

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to say necessarily all the time, positive things would be good.

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But you don't have to do that. Because maybe that's too far

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fetched. But stop beating yourself down. It's not helping.

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It's not fair. And you wouldn't do this to anyone, especially

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not to a good friend.

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So you're in a relationship cannot be very good. If you're

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constantly criticizing yourself, and that is why you may have

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been struggling with confidence. The other thing that you don't

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want to do to undermine yourself is to constantly compare

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yourself. Yes, I know a lot of people feel one of their outlets

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is looking at social media. And if there would be a confidence

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measurement device, you would probably see how after a few

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scrolls, your confidence is just diminishing, it's zipping out of

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you. It feels like oh, where does it go? I don't know. But

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everyone else is so much better. Well, no wonder that I don't

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feel good about myself. If you want to just take a little

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social media fast, this look at inspirational stuff, and that

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stuff that, oh, their lives is so much better. And in the end,

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you know, it's only polished virtual reality, it's not true.

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And it's not really something that should matter to you in the

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first place. And the third thing you want to not do in regards to

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undermining your confidence is to make assumptions on what

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people may be thinking, you know, maybe you are in the mood

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to wear something really colorful, or you know, something

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that just feels a little bit more revealing because it's hot.

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And then you think, Oh no, no, my neighbors will think I'm

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doing this or maybe the people in the office will you know,

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have a negative opinion and I don't want to stand out. So

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you're, again, letting yourself be pushed out of what you really

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wanted to do. Because you're making assumptions on how people

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may respond to you. Doesn't matter what they're thinking,

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none of your business. Try just to do things and feel right and

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feel good to you. And then realize nothing actually

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happens. I don't know what these people are thinking but I

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certainly like it. I feel good. I enjoyed and maybe someone

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gives me a compliment. That's nice that extra bonus but I am

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not letting myself get stopped with this assumption making. Now

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if you have been Paying attention, you probably think

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like, Wow, that sounds like this book that I have been reading a

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long time ago. Read it. Again, I'm talking about the four

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agreements with who wrote it was Don Miguel rousse. excellent

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book, a very short, but very profound read. And it has all

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those aspects of how to treat yourself better, to be

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impeccable with your word, to not make assumptions to not take

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things personally, all of those things are included. So it's a

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good thing to revisit, if you haven't already done this

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recently. Now number, where am I number five, is to make sure

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that you are seeing this lack of confidence, not just as

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something that you just, you know, maybe another flaw that

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you have another issue that somehow sets you apart from the

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rest of the world, but that you're seeing it more as a

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protective mechanism of your subconscious. And that's really

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true. Because very often, we, you know, are dealing early on

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in our lives with these, you know, as I said, maybe criticism

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or negative messages. And, and for me again, in order to get

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love, I need to not feel confident. So the

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subconsciousness, they put this confidence on the low burner,

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because it only creates trouble. And the subconscious may say, so

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if you don't feel too much confident, then you will not

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feel too disappointed. If something doesn't work out,

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because you already assume it's not going to work out. Or if you

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don't feel so good about yourself, and you're actually

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already beating yourself up. While somebody else is

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criticizing you. It's not so painful, because you already are

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used to that pain, because you're causing it yourself. So

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the subconscious may tread lightly with confidence because

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it says it's not safe out there. So being small, being invisible,

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being not like this most, you know, obvious target because you

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feel so good about yourself is better. And it may have been

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something that may have worked during, let's say, middle school

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when you get bullied or when you were dealing with a big brother

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who was just torturing you all the time. But you're an adult

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now. Or you're on your way to being an adult.

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So it's time to really teach the subconscious. It is safe to be

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myself. It is safe to be seen. It is safe to speak up, it is

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safe to even make a little fool out of yourself. I had a coach

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who said once that, you know one great confidence building tool

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is to take risks, to do things that you know are, you know, a

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little embarrassing, but you're doing many how. And you realize

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how nothing happened I didn't spontaneously combust The world

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is still turning everything is okay. And then the subconscious

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realizes hi doesn't actually matter. Doing something that

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could feel a little, you know, shameful is not the end of the

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world. I don't have to be so cautious. For example, you can

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go into a, let's say a furniture store and ask if they do pizza

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delivery? Well, they're gonna look at you like, you know,

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you're crazy. And you just say I guess not and you leave and and

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that's that. But you know that this, you know, incredulous look

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of somebody or them thinking you know that, you know, there's

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something wrong with you didn't hurt you. You didn't take it on,

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there was this invisible force field of confidence around you

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that somehow led all of this simply balance away. So take a

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little risk every day chatting with the person in front of you

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at the coffee stand. Or maybe asking, you know, the personal

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trainer that you always find really cute. If you know, he or

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she wants to have a smoothie after the class and those things

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where you feel like oh, no, no, no, this is really scary. Well,

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if you do it, it gets you automatically out of your

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comfort zone. And guess what your new confidence level is not

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in your comfort zone. It's way out there. And when you are

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stretching your confidence, your comfort zone, you are

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automatically increasing your confidence. And you're

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automatically expanding. And you're feeling like wow, I have

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room to breathe. I have room to be it's like you're getting

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yourself from a little pot that you have been, you know kind of

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living but not really thriving into a big big garden. And there

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you can really expand and grow like you know, a tree With need

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more space to grow and expand, so expand your comfort zone and

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then feed back. Every time you take a risk. That was great, I

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really feel better about myself because I learned to not care, I

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learned to just be okay with making something like a fool out

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of me, I was completely okay with whatever people were

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thinking about me, it didn't hurt at all. Or you may want to

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do something like a client of mine who, you know, was joining

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an online Group, a group that was you know, chatting about a

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certain subject, and he was always worried, should I do

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this? I don't know, these are much more, you know, educated,

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smarter, and probably much, you know, better than me. And so he

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said, okay, for my homework, I'm going to join the group. And

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I'll see how long I can stay. After five minutes. He wanted to

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leave. But he told himself, no, that's not enough. I haven't

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stretched my comfort zone yet. So he stayed for the whole

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thing. And guess what, he made a really good friends, your

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friends during this chat. And now they are talking all the

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time. And he said, while I so glad I made that leap. Because

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otherwise I would have never met this person. So it always works

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out. It's all up to you, how you see it and how you interpret

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whatever happens, interpret in a way that even though maybe

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someone may haven't been laughing in your face, if you

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took a risk, as long as you say, I get to live with them. This is

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funny. You didn't take it personally. And you feel like

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Wow, great, didn't define me.

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What defined me was me having the courage to stretch beyond

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that, what I thought was safe, impossible. And eventually, your

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subconscious will go away from just trying to keep you safe to

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saying, Oh, yeah, you like it, you like doing things that are a

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little bit different. You're like going outside, what feels

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safe, you like expanding. And because you're like it your

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subconscious switches from protecting you, to helping you

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to thrive? Exactly these two speeds your subconscious can do.

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So teach us up conscious, I don't want to be protected so

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much anymore. Let's go into expansion and thriving mode.

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Now, the last thing I really can tell you works very well is to

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do an affirmation, an affirmation. I know, often

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people do it and they are just repeating the words and don't

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really feel anything about it. There is kind of a science

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behind affirmations you cannot just you know, use words that

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sound good, but you don't really have any association with use

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words that feel or make you feel something words that when you

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use them bring up a picture of Wow, when I really see who I

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could be if I say like an IM statement, I'll I am confident

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or I am a good person, if you can feel what that means, now

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that you did the inventory and all these other things, and if

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you can imagine yourself, how that would look like and how you

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would walk through life with this I am confident affirmation,

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then the affirmation is, you know, in some ways, like you

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know, like a stepping stone or a bridge that leads you on because

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it just tells you this direction, pointing you towards

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you want to towards where you want to go and telling you you

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can do it because you are confident you are valuable. Now

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one of my favorite affirmations is not an IM statement, it is I

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love, appreciate and believe in myself. I am enough. And what I

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love about this affirmation is that it really is about how I am

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relating to myself. If it's you know about certain, like I'm

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lovable or I'm trustworthy, you know, it always includes other

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people, it's about how other people may perceive you or how

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in relation to other people. You are with these, you know,

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characteristics that when you say I love, appreciate and

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believe in myself, I am enough for myself, all that matters.

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You are creating again, an energy of confidence that is you

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know, holding you in place. It's like this forcefield that just

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gives you a sense of negativity bouncing off. There is no

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temptation to go into other minds. There is no temptation to

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you know, look into other lives and feel like you should That it

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all holds you in place like an inner magnet like the earth is

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held in place by this inner magnet. And you go through life

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just as your own person, you don't wonder if you should be

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different, you may be inspired to grow

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again to change, but the core feels solid, the core feels

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real. And the core feels you, the authentic you. And I'm sure

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you can get there. Just don't feel like you know, again, the

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motivation is there's something lacking about you make the

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motivation that you want to get a better, more fulfilling, more

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trusting and more enjoyable relationship with yourself. I

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hope that helps you to build your confidence, actually. I'm

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