4 Ways to Practice Self-Love | GR113

How is your relationship with yourself?  Do you listen to your desires, respect your boundaries and make time to take care of yourself? Or are you your own worst critic, never seeing yourself as good enough. Instead take all your efforts and accomplishments for granted.

Now I could imagine that some of you may think, “Loving myself? – Ha, that’s easier said than done”. Or maybe you have even tried the self-love tactics, but believe they didn’t actually work for you.

To  really be able to love someone, we need to establish a relationship that is grounded in trust, respect, adoration and the desire to be close to that person. Yet, for most of us it seems much easier to create a close relationship with someone else rather than with ourselves.

This is where self discovery comes into play. The truth is we are always way more than we think we are. We just have to take the time to delve into our own selfcare in order to realize that we are in fact worth loving.

Dr Friedemann’s Takeaways:

Intro (00:00)

A Step Forward Toward Self Love (6:39)

Let Go Of Always Putting Yourself Down (10:34)

We Are Always Way More Than We Think We Are (14:11)

Self Appreciation Is A Power (16:47)

5 Love Languages (21:04)

Meet Dr Friedemann

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Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD, is the award-winning author of The Fear + Anxiety Solution. Dr. Schaub has helped thousands of people with his Personal Breakthrough and Empowerment program to overcome their fear and anxiety by addressing the deeper, subconscious root causes of these emotional challenges.

Are you looking for more from Dr Friedemann? Check out his “Your Accelerated Breakthrough Program” https://drfriedemann.com/breakthrough-program/.

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Transcript
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Okay, let's talk about love, and a specific form of

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love. self love. Now, don't roll your eyes and tell yourself,

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that's not for me. I tried it, I looked in the mirror, I told

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myself, I love myself, then really work? Well, it's not easy

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to love yourself, I completely give you that. But it's also not

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impossible. Now, you may not even know how much you love

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yourself. So let's do a little test. Think about a person, or

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an animal that you deeply love. And you really feel like yeah, I

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have a very close connection to this creature. Feel that

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feeling? And then on a scale from one to 10? How strong is

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his feeling? 10 being the strongest one the weakest? Give

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it a number. And then think about yourself. Think about how

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much do I love myself? Do you have a similar feeling? And what

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number would you give that feeling? Now chances are that

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that number is way lower than the number for the person that

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you really love and appreciate. Why is that? Why do we have such

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a hard time loving ourselves? Now personally, I think it has a

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lot to do with self love being not something we are taught how

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to do the same thing with feeling good about yourself

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feeling confident, often our peers, teachers, parents set us

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more up for making us humble, not feeling too proud, too good,

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because that may be seen as arrogant. And that has then

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also, of course, an effect on self love. But imagine for a

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moment that you are stuck with a person 20 473 175 days or longer

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per year, until the very last breath you take. Wouldn't it be

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better to not fight this person to not be always in conflict or

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down on that person, but somehow learn to appreciate, maybe start

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with accept, and then eventually love that person. I mean, our

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relationship with ourselves is the one that should be the most

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precious, the most important one.

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But in contrast to that, most of us are really struggling with

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that relationship with ourselves. Because we are

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telling ourselves, well, I should be thinner, I shouldn't

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get old, I should be more successful, I should be more fun

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I should be you name it, there's so much that we are telling

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ourselves is wrong with us. And that is the wall that we are

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building between us and self love. So how do we create more

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self love? How do we make self love our new default setting?

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Well, as I said, it's not as easy as having a little light

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switch that you turn on. And then all of a sudden, you feel

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all these warm, fuzzy feelings about yourself. But I have been

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teaching people to love themselves for almost 20 years.

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And what I've found is it's absolutely not only doable, it's

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in evitable if you do the right steps, and I want to share four

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of those steps with you today. Because I think we all can do

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those. And we can all ultimately implement those. It's about

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building a relationship. You know how you have to build a

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relationship with a new person in your life and eventually

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trust that person. And you trust that person through gaining

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evidence and positive experiences. It's the same thing

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about self love. You have to build it gradually and you have

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to work on it. Just like in any and every relationship every

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day. Put a little bit more focus and energy into it. And

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eventually your self love becomes a rock solid. Okay.

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Let's start with it. The first step is letting go of resistance

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to loving yourself and instead accepting yourself I know that

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sounds really hard. And for some of you, it may sound like hey, I

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could climb Mount Everest in, in flip flops, but that I don't

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think it's possible. Well, when you really think about self

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acceptance, it's ultimately not that you are immediately saying,

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Oh, yes, I appreciate everything that I have for everything I am.

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It's simply finding peace with it, and, and finding a way to

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befriend yourself gradually, with what you have. And for

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that, you need to stop undermining that what is

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ultimately creating self acceptance. to think through the

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course of the day, how often Your mind is bashing you, how

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often you are telling yourself negative things, how often

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you're comparing yourself with others, how often you're looking

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through other people's eyes, at yourself. This is how you give

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your power away. This is how you disconnect from yourself. And

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this is how you ultimately become either a stranger or even

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an enemy to yourself. So self acceptance is a step forward

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toward self love. And it's a very important step, to really

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see that I have no other choice, then to find peace with myself,

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because otherwise, I will live in constant struggle in war with

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myself. It's the step of I choose peace, over conflict. And

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for that, you just have to also realize that whatever I'm

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telling myself, I would never tell anyone I love and care

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about whatever I compare myself with, I would never dare to do

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this to my partner to my sibling or my parents. I only do this to

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myself. For next time you notice that you are, again, undermining

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your self acceptance, simply tell yourself No, I'm not doing

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this. This is not fair to me. And instead, think about one or

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two things that actually are something you accept about

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whatever you criticized, you know, let's say you're feeling

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like, Oh, I'm a loser because I have such a miserable job. And

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then you're asking yourself, Well, does it really build self

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acceptance? Of course it doesn't. So you stop yourself

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and you tell yourself No, I actually appreciate I accept

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about this job that I am showing up that I'm doing myself that I

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am someone who is trying to be self responsible and self

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reliant and make money even though it's not my passion.

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The beauty about self acceptance is that it also then opens you

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up for the possibility of change of doing better. Because I'm not

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saying that self acceptance or self love is automatically

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saying, Well, I'm done. No more work to do. I'm just saying that

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if you accept yourself, you are more able to then say with this

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energy, that you're not wasting and fighting yourself, what can

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I do better? How can I make a change? How can I progress, and

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that's certainly much easier from a place of self acceptance,

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then from a safe place of self rejection. Now a simple exercise

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that I have been doing many years now and that I find, also

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my clients are really benefiting from is to simply greet yourself

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with openness and a friendly smile, to looking in the mirror

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in the morning when you see yourself Yes, maybe you have a

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messy hair and maybe you're not really at your finest but just

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looking at yourself. Like you would see a very nice friend or

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a beloved person with a smile. Hi. So nice to see you. So glad

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you're here. Have a great day. You know what happens

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physiologically when you are grading yourself from this

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acceptance place? Or from that friendly nurse and from that

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kindness is that your mind is really feeling like okay,

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obviously that person that he or she sees is someone that is

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liked is embraced is accepted. Just by smiling and saying

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something friendly with the right tone of voice. The

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feedback in your mind is okay, that person is okay. It is safe

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to be that person and something inside changes rather than grim.

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submit yourself, rather than avoiding looking at yourself,

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start the day with that openness. And this is how you

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gradually build self acceptance. So self acceptance is letting go

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of always putting yourself down. It is about thinking how you

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would not do this to anybody else, finding something else

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that you find good about whatever you have been, in that

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moment criticizing yourself for shifted around. And then in the

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morning, grade yourself, and also when you go to bed and

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brush your teeth, same thing, oh, I hope you had a great day,

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I heard you did this. And that, I hope that was fun. Just have a

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little, even though it may silly, friendly conversation

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with your mirror image. And this way, find there is an openness

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of the mind and a calmness of the mind to see you and to

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recognize you as a friend, and not any longer as an adversary.

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So that's number one. Number two is explore yourself, you know

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how in any relationship while you start going on a date. And

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usually you pick, you know, coffee, or drinks or laid on

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maybe going for dinner? And that's the beginning. But then

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you are exploring. So what are the interests that you can

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share? Or what are the things that are, you know, maybe

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exciting for both of you. There has been a study that actually

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showed that couples that have been together for a while those

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that have a good relationship continuously build this

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relationship on new experiences, new exciting experiences, like

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finding a new hobby, or traveling or creating something

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new together, that exploration is creating a bond between two

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people. Now that exploration can also create a bond inside of us.

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So rather than always being in this, well, this is who I am.

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And this is how I'm supposed to be like a client of mine who

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said, Well, I am known and loved for being bubbly and fun and

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always positive and always there for other people life of the

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party. And then at some point, she realized that's only a very

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small fraction of who I am. And there is something much deeper

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and more introvert and quieter inside of me. And I never dare

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to really go there and explore it until she had a bout of

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depression. And then she was kind of forced to just, it's

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almost like lock herself in and look at herself in a new way.

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And what she found out was that she just love stillness. She

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loves actually to be in nature and just sit and even meditate.

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She loves to contemplate and not have to talk or be always up.

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And that side of her she learned more and more to appreciate as

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her sensitive site. And it's also the side that she felt was

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much more intuitive and helped her much more to move forward in

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life and seek out for things that are more purposeful and

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meaningful for her. So that exploration of what she didn't

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know or in the past hadn't really except it helped her to

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feel much closer to herself.

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You get to not find who you are in your comfort zone. And we are

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always way more than we think we are. There's always so much more

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to us to discover. I in fact believe that self discovery is

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one of the biggest and most important purposes in life to

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really figure out more and more, what gifts, what talents, what

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beautiful inner resources we have. And so what I would

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suggest in order to create more self love, just explore yourself

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more, understand more your preferences, what you're drawn

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to what you're good at what you know, your piques your interest,

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open yourself up and make your life interesting. So many people

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struggle with self love because they don't get love from the

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outside. And so basically, for the lack of a relationship with

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somebody else, they also feel like they shouldn't have a

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relationship with himself. But if you're alone, if you're not

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in a relationship, there is nothing more important than the

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relationship with yourself. To just treat yourself from now on,

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like someone that you want to know know better that you want

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to learn to know better and more intimately and explore what your

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heart, your mind, your spirit, your body, really enjoy. And

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that, again will create a stronger foundation of

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connection with yourself. The third step is appreciating

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yourself. Now appreciating yourself is something that most

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of us have a hard time. I was told when I really felt good

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about myself because I was when I started high school, a D

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student. In all sudden I was a best in class, not without

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sleepless nights and a lot of anxiety. But somehow I mustered

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up the strength and the resilience to, to really work

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hard. And when I really boasted about luck, I have all A's, my

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parents only said, Well, you know, you're doing this for

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yourself, don't feel too good about yourself. People think

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you're arrogant, and no one likes arrogant. So that bashed

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myself appreciation quite a bit. And from that on point on, I

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always kind of, you know, understated any of my successes,

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just because I felt Oh, no, I don't want other people think

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that I'm conceited, or that I'm looking down on them, which I

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never did.

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So appreciation, self appreciation is a is a power,

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kind of an art form, that most of us have to learn what I

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suggest. And actually today, just the client told me about

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how she uses this every day and how it really changed her life.

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Write down three things you appreciate about yourself every

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day. And I suggest for you to appreciate different aspects of

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yourself on that day, meaning like not in general, like, Well,

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I appreciate that I'm smart, I am appreciating that I'm a hard

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worker, I'll leave you know this already. It's really nothing

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new, it doesn't really evoke any emotions inside of you. It's

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kind of boring. So you want to be specific on that day. What

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about that day? Did you really feel good about yourself? If

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this would be somebody else you would tell them good job, thank

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you so much, or give them a compliment. So what is it about

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you and it doesn't have to be very big, can be small. But it

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needs to be something that creates a warm feeling inside of

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you. So appreciate your body. Maybe you were really, you know,

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dragging yourself to the gym, and then you were still somehow

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making it through a whole class and you were actually able to,

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you know, succeed and feel like Well, my body actually followed

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through, even though I didn't feel like it. So I appreciate

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the strength of my body. Or maybe you were sick for a while

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and your body recovered. That one thing to appreciate, maybe

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you could appreciate your mind because there was a problem at

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work and you found the solution. Or maybe you appreciate your

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mind that you had a great idea how to, you know, make a friend

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happy for their birthday. Appreciate your hearts, because

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maybe you were very kind on this day, calmly and patiently

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listening to someone that you know, open their heart and share

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their grievance with you. Or maybe you just were able with

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your heart for a moment to find peace. There is all this noise

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around you and you were just sitting in this little bubble of

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peace and, and just felt compassion for the whole world.

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To all possible, those little moments of yourself that you

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could really appreciate, may show up way more often than you

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think it's just a matter of taking note of it, and then

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writing it down. And this way you are collecting evidence

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about your goodness, evidence of who you really are at the core

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and that this is a warm, caring, strong, loving person. And yes,

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again, there may be things you think, Oh, I wish I could do

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this better, or I wish I could change that and that's all

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possible. But appreciation is such a better baseline, to feel

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motivated to make change, then self criticism. So now you

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accept you are exploring more who you are. You're appreciating

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yourself more deeply every day. These are all really good habits

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to have. And the fourth one that leads to self love is treating

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yourself as if you would be your own person. They're your own

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Beloved, indulge yourself. And indulging yourself is what we do

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when we love someone, you know, there is a saying we care for

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those we love. So if you start caring for yourself and

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wondering, Oh, I wish I could give myself this, you know, a

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nice massage or a foot rub, or, Wow, this looks so great. This

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whole plate of fresh berries. Yes, I know it's a little

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expensive, but it really will make me happy.

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There is this whole love language, you know, research at

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most, you may know that there are five specific love

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languages, words of affirmation, quality, time, physical touch,

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gifts, and acts of service. And usually, what we want to give

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others would be a naturally good at giving to others, is what

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also makes us feel really loved. But think about it. Let's say

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for example, you really love to give gifts. How stingy? Are you

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with yourself? Are you really generous and say yeah, I love

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that sweater, I gonna bide myself for my birthday, great.

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Probably not. So give yourself your love language, maybe it is

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about touch, and then get touched. You know, go somewhere

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where you feel like yeah, I have a great cranial sacrum or I have

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an acupuncture, whatever feels good to you, that makes you feel

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pampered and attended to quality time. Take yourself on a date.

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Take yourself to the movies, or maybe even go and you know, find

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a little vacation a getaway that you can just indulge yourself

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in. I do this every year, every year, I go for three or four

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days to Germany by myself, just to indulge myself, see some

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friends go to the spa. And just feel like I can pamper myself,

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and really nourishes my relationship with myself. And I

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think that's something that we owe to ourselves. Because when

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we really think about how hard our mind and our body and our

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our heart are working every day, we are not giving enough back.

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And that is often where the relationships are falling apart

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with other people, when we are not acknowledging how much we

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really do. Embrace and love whatever this relationship

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brings into our life. So this whole idea of indulging yourself

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and in celebrating yourself and giving back to yourself is

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again, adding to that what you ultimately want, which is to

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love yourself. See these four steps. They're not rocket

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science, they are basically based on what we naturally do

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with others. Maybe, you know, it has been a while that you were

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in a relationship that I know that you have loved and I know

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that you were loved. And if you really just follow those tracks

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and think about this is what I did. And this is what others did

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for me in order to feel loved. You just start to do very

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similar things with yourself. And you avoid those that you

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know are breaking that love that trust undermining this feeling

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of closeness. I don't believe that self love is something that

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will happen overnight. It may start with this acceptance, it

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may even start with just the desire to do better, and to

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maybe start respecting yourself. And as you are following those

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steps and gradually building more and more an understanding

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of who you are of your brilliance and really feeling

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more and more that you can nurture yourself with positive

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thoughts and appreciation. And then also giving yourself these

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little gifts of time or real gifts or anything that you

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desire so that you feel I can be the source of joy, of happiness

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of pleasure to myself, that relationship to yourself. You

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may not think immediately as Oh, I love myself, but you will feel

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close to yourself. You will feel connected to yourself and you

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actually will feel that you are becoming your closest and best

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friend. And that is a worthy goal to pursue and certainly

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